Monday, May 31, 2010

Dogs Dogs Dogs

http://digg.com/pets_animals/Dog_Surprises_Officer_After_Being_Freed_From_A_Fence?OTC-bd1e#

I don’t understand how anyone can have a dog and then not have a dog and forget about them. Isn’t there a teeny dog icon, a dog ap, inside us which once activated, jiggles around on the dock of our unconscious? (Note to pc users: Mac icons dance when you activate them. Very useful.) How can you not look into a dog’s eye when you park next to a dog-in-car or pass one leading its mistress down the street?

Doesn’t have to be your own dog. Any dog. They all have dogness which is something in common with humans but not altogether common. Their dogness goes way, way back, before they sat outside our campfires and drooled at the smell of our meat, perhaps the beginning of our mutual passion. Long ago they ate us. They would again if they were hungry enough and we too feeble or dead to protest.

They are older, almost as old as the rocks in the mountains. Their ancient, wild dogness connects us to our knuckle-dragging, prehistoric ancestors. They jiggle the ancient, deep right sides of our brains.

Now some people who never had a dog who can still feel the tremble of that dog icon deep in a mysterious unconsciousness. People who have felt a puppy kick to free himself from loving arms, who have watched a terrier leap for a Frisbee, these have seen the arc of wolfy leap he makes against a blue sky. Dog icons remind us that the earth is very old and our lives are very short.

Play Farmville or enter Second Life but there’s nothing like a dog’s eye, watching you. Look back.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Hospitalization

A patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and enunciates slowly.

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but now, listen carefully.

"Are my test results back? "

Friday, May 21, 2010

Blonds and Rotties

1. Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't see any.

3. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

4. A man took his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?'

'Let's have a look at him.' He picked the dog up and examined his eyes.

'Well', said the vet, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'Put him down just because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy.'

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Helpful Screen Cleaner

I noticed your computer screen needed cleaning so here is my present to you. click on the word "here" above and wait for a few seconds
and your screen will be cleaned for you!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The True Story of Goldilocks

Once upon a time Goldilocks lived on a farm at the edge of a deep, dark forest. She was a very good girl who always finished her chores by suppertime.

One morning when she came down for breakfast, the house was empty and the larder was bare. On the counter a note said: Back by dark. Scrub the floors, chop the wood, mow the lawn and plant an acre of potatoes. Do not go into the deep, dark forest where dangerous animals lurk.

Just then delicious aroma of buttery, sugary, nutty porridge wafted from the deep, dark forest.

“The heck with the chores.” She set off to follow the aroma into the woods.

Golden sunlight streamed down through the leaves. Overhead the birds sang.

Goldilocks sang, too, as she skipped along. When she came to an open meadow where the grass was green as emeralds, a turquoise lake sparkled and beside the lake stood a cottage with a red door. Flowers waved in the window boxes. A swing hung from the big tree beside a bee hive.

The front door was slightly ajar.

Hello?” she called politely.

Pushing the door open she entered a cozy living room. The delicious aroma was stronger now.

“Anybody home?” Ah, those three chairs. She slid right off the big leather Barcalounger and almost drowned in the deep cushions of the second chair.

But the baby chair just fit and now she could see three bowls on the kitchen table.

“Ouch,” she yelped and put the spoon back into the biggest bowl. The porridge in the second bowl was cold and hard.

Of course the third bowl was just right. She felt her strength restored.

“If I ate this every day I could work ten times as hard.”

She ate it all up and rinsed the bowl. Very sleepy she went up the stairs and tried the first bed but it was too high. The second bed was too soft and the third bed, as we know, was exactly right. In a moment Goldilocks was sound asleep.

The three bears came home and saw front door was open.

“Uh oh,” growled Papa Bear. “Has someone been sitting in my chair?”

Mama Bear saw that one of her chair cushions was on the floor.

Baby Bear examined his chair. “Somebody sat in MY chair and moved it one inch.”

“Who ate a spoonful of my porridge!” said Papa Bear angrily.

“Some one tried mine,” said Mama Bear thoughtfully.

“Who’s eaten my porridge ALL UP?” said Baby Bear. “Look, they even rinsed the bowl.

“Someone was tidy,” Mama Bear smiled.

They trooped upstairs.

“Nobody’s in my bed,” Papa Bear said.

“Nor mine,” Mama Bear said.

“She’s in MY bed!” Baby Bear cried.

Papa Bear stretched out his claws.

“Put those away, it’s just a girl,” Mama Bear said.

“Hey, wake up!” Baby Bear said.

Goldilocks opened her eyes to see three dangerous animals looking down on her. Exactly what her parents had warned about.

“A nice-looking girl,” said Mama Bear tenderly.

“Would she like to play with the bees?” asked Baby Bear eagerly.

“Probably not,” said Mama Bear.

“You know,” said Papa Bear. “It would be lovely to have a girl in the house. Let’s keep her.”

Mama Bear gave his paw a tender squeeze. “You old softie,” she said. “But she might have her own parents.”

Goldilocks sat up and yawned.

“What pretty little teeth,” Baby Bear noticed.

“She’s awfully thin,” Mama Bear noticed. “But not for a human.”

“Humans know how to read and write,” Papa Bear said. “She could teach us.” He went off to look for a pencil.

Goldilocks stood up. “I’m awfully sorry. I just couldn’t help myself.”

“My porridge does that,” Mama Bear said. “And it makes us strong.”

Goldilocks agreed. “May I have the recipe?”

“Certainly,” said Mama Bear. She gently straightened Goldilock’s braids. “Such long, yellow fur. Come down to the kitchen and I’ll show you how I make it.

First Mama Bear made a big pot of porridge while Goldilocks wrote down the recipe. Then Goldilocks taught them how to read and write. They were thrilled.

“Now I can sell our honey in the market,” Papa Bear said. “We’ll be rich.”

“Now I can write my cookbook,” Mama Bear said. “I’ll have my own TV show.”

“Now I can go to college,” Baby Bear said. “Then play professional hockey.”

When they were finished, Goldilocks thanked them. Goodbye, they said, giving her bear hugs. Fortified by the wonderful porridge she did every single chore on the list and planted twenty acres of potatoes before her parents returned

“You were wrong about the forest,” she said. “The wild beasts were nice to me. And their porridge gave me the strength of ten.”

Goldilocks made it every morning so they could work ten times as hard. Papa Bear got rich selling honey and Mama Bear got her own show. Sure enough, Baby Bear plays for the Bruins.

Here's the recipe for Paula Bear's Ten Times Stronger Porridge:

Simmer oatmeal in grandmother’s good pot. When it’s thick and hot, give yourself a big helping in a blue and white bowl. Add cream from your prettiest cow and a dollop of good butter from the churn. Swirl in a tablespoon or two of dark brown sugar. If you have berries, add them. A teeny pinch of salt on top brings all the delicious flavors together.
GRRREAT!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Breakfast With Ginger

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaAVZ2yXDBo


Laugh all day!

The Story of The Humble Seamstress

One day when a humble seamstress was sewing near a river, her thimble fell into the water. Seeing her distress, the Lord
appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you weeping?'

The poor woman replied that since she had lost her only thimble she could no longer earn a living for her family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a
golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked.

The honest seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river and brought up a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the little
seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress
replied, 'Yes.'

Pleased with the woman's honesty, the Lord gave her all three thimbles. The seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her
husband, who fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and again asked, 'Why are you crying?'

'Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'

The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding.

'You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, You would have come up with Brad Pitt.

'If I said 'no' to Brad Pitt, You would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' You would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of three husbands.

'THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.'

Friday, May 14, 2010

Time Off with Girl Friends

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping spree, casinos, massages and facials, the whole works.

Two days before the group was to leave Mary's husband put his foot down and told her she wasn't going. Her pals were very upset but since they'd already paid for the holiday, they reluctantly decided to go anyway.

On Friday when the three get to the hotel, there was Mary sitting in the bar drinking a martini.

"Wow, how long have you been here?" they asked.

"I've been here for hours," Mary said with a sly grin.

"But tell us, how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"

"Well, last night as I was sitting on the couch my husband came up behind me, put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who?'

"When I pulled his hands off I saw all he was wearing was his birthday suit. Whispering sweet nothings, he led me to our bedroom. It was dark and scented with lovely perfume. He had lit a dozen candles and strewn rose petals over the bed. There, on the sheets he had set out handcuffs and ropes!

"He told me to cuff him and tie him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, 'Now you can do whatever you want.'

"So here I am."

Here's a little music to send you into the weekend: http://oldfortyfives.com/DYRT.htm

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

LOL

When an old nun living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers, she knew she could change their godless ways. She would take her lunch to the site, sit with the workmen and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to where the men sat eating their lunches. As she approached the group with a big smile she asked: "Do any of you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled, 'Why'?

The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch!"

Monday, May 10, 2010

Highly Saturated Memories

Poet Nicholson Baker writes in his wonderful meditation, The Anthologist, that “Poetry is like math or chess or music—it requires a slightly misshapen brain and those kinds of brains don’t last. Sometimes if you can hold on into old age you can have another late flowering.. much of adulthood crumbles..and you’re left with highly saturated early memories..”

Highly saturated memories. Good to know we have that.

Thanks to http://magpietales.blogspot.com/ for the nudge on writing.

Child Witnesses Birth

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the mother's desperate call.

The house was very dark, so the EMT asked 3-yr-old Kathleen to hold a flashlight while he helped her mommy deliver the baby.

Kathleen did as she was asked. When the baby was born, the paramedic lifted the him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. The baby wailed.

He thanked Kathleen for her help and asked what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

"Well," Kathleen replied with indignation. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!'"

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The Beggars Opera

Feeling overnetworked, I quit Facebook today and, boy, not one Friend has noticed. No one’s hitting my LinkedIn, either, except thousands from my old alma mater, whoever the hell they all are. I forgot how to Twitter as soon as I learned it. Netting doesn’t work for me. I’m a hermit. I don’t get around much anymore.

But last week Shirley Landis VanScoyk, who lives in Honey Brook, outside of Philadelphia, took me back to Center City Philadelphia where I spent a happy ten years. In her funny and smart blog http://domesticepisodes.blogspot.com/ she wrote about the Philadelphia Opera Company’s flash opera at Reading Terminal Market. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zmwRitYO3w&feature=player_embedded

Holy smokes, Reading Terminal is my favoritest food market in the States. Soon as I quit Facebook, here's Shirley, whom I've never met, sixty miles west of the Philadelphia, hooking me over three thousand miles with a YouTube vid. In a flash I’m back at my old stamping ground, The Terminal. As the singers raised their beautiful voices in La Traviata’s brindisi scene, I searched the crowd for a familiar face or a familiar sign. I didn’t recognize any people but there behind the singers’ and the shoppers’ joyful faces, there was the same old Spano Cheesesteaks sign. I could smell the onions frying.

Oh, dear Reading Terminal. If I could write an opera, it would be about thee. Thee of shining Korean faces selling fish flesh and gleaming string beans. Thee of Amish and Black folks and Italians. The many, many cheeses and the finest spice shop that ever made me sneeze. Oh Reading Terminal Market, I love your old, rotting beams and the stink of nearby Chinatown.

Not for me to evaluate professional opera singers. Let me just say I was very glad to see the dawning surprise and pleasure on the shoppers' faces. Yes, yes, California is very beautiful and the market at the San Francisco Ferry Terminal bursts with organic string beans and handmade cheese and considerately-harvested fish. Not great fish, mostly those flabby, flavorless Hawaiian giants you have to jazz up with wasabi and teriyaki sauce (might as well eat the paper napkin).

Unlike Reading Terminal, the Ferry market is new. The building is all spiffy reproduction glass. The bathrooms sparkle. Nothing smells except the brisk breeze blowing in from the Pacific Ocean through the Golden Gate which I now know is the actual name of the mouth of San Francisco Bay: not the bridge, not the bay, just the mouth of the bay.

Okay, then.

Because the earth spins, that Pacific wind blows west to east right over the continent to the Reading Terminal Market, at least in my memory. Quick, before I forget, here’s the real broiled bluefish recipe: a little Mombasa red pepper from that spice shop, go easy, then a schmear of mustard and a bigger schmear of Hellman’s mayonnaise, yes, oily mayo on an oily fish. Broil until crackling, eat. Eat the skin, too. It’s loaded with vitamin A.

Alas, I cannot buy this divine fish out west. Short of standing on the pier in Boston as the trawler comes to dock, Reading Terminal has the freshest blues. Don’t get me started on soft-shelled crabs and shad roe. We’re all about the vegetables out here.

One of my favorite memories of The Terminal, where I shopped two or three times a week, was the Italian sandwich with chopped artichoke hearts, hot pickled peppers, exactly the right proportion of freshly, thinly sliced ham, mortadella, genoa salami, provolone and chopped romaine. Sprinkle of olive oil, sprinkle of freshly grated Parmesan cheese. A roll to rip the teeth out of your mouth. You don’t need your teeth in heaven.

So I considered my food inventory and remembered to take those two hundred dollar bills out of the kitty—can’t remember why it was so fat—and drove the VW downtown. I always looked for a parking meter on Arch so I wouldn’t have to pay the lot attendant. Sure enough, I nailed a space but as I was beginning to fish in my shoulderbag for change, a street bum right out of a Three Penny Opera—originally The Beggars Opera, did you know that—caught my eye and approached, spewing dust from his filthy hair and layers of filthy old clothes. Suspenders held up his horrible baggy pants. He held my tremulous eye. I am such a sucker and I knew the hit was coming.

“Say,” I blurted. “Have you got change for a dollar?”

How inspired is that? Like a mask, his face morphed from rapacious to gracious, wreathed in smiles. He wasn’t that murderous-looking under all the dirt.

"Why honey,” he said in an almost-cultivated voice, “help yourself.” He dug into a very, very deep pants pocket and pulled out a glittering handful of quarters and dimes. “Take all you want.”

“Thank you,” I said, picking out four shining quarters. I didn’t try not to touch him. I may have touched him. I hope I did.

“Want more?” His eyebrows lifted politely.

“No thanks, that’s just what I need.” I turned to feed the meter. Then I walked across the pay lot and did my shopping.

After I unloaded the goodies in my Brandywine Street kitchen, I counted out my change. I like to keep tabs on the cash flow, balance it with my feeding frenzies. That day I was short exactly one hundred dollars. Damn! I mentally retraced my shopping steps as I put each item away. I remembered breaking the first hundred, not the other. It was missing. Theft? Had that bum somehow got his hand in MY pocket?

Or had I dropped it as I walked into the market, arranging the bills in my wallet. It could be. But finding a hundred dollar bill outside Reading Terminal Market on a busy, sunny Saturday was impossible. Yet.

I fired up the VW and drove to the spot. Found several open parking spaces. Put my eyes to the sidewalk, to the weedy edges. Continued across the Arch Street Parking Lot, five dollars half an hour, the ripoffs.

There it was, two hours after I dropped it, my one hundred dollar bill. Waiting for me.

I was so grateful I went right back into the Terminal and bought those very expensive things I had foregone on the morning run.

And every time I break a hundred, I feel grateful and lucky. And when I take a deep breath blowing through the Golden Gate, I often think of the bluefish and the bum at Reading Terminal Market.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Unfortunate Blonds

The big mall had a power blackout yesterday. Three blonds were trapped on the escalator for hours.