Chicken Diapers

My legs get cold sitting at my keyboard. Blankets fall off and tangle my chair wheels.

Should I get a dog? A cat? Oh, I’ve had those kinds of animals. Boring!

What I need is a nice, big chicken to sit on my lap while I’m writing. A chicken with a warm chicken body. She’ll cluck over me like a nursemaid. She’ll peck the fuzz off my sweater. Might even lay an egg.

A 5-7 pound broiler, fryer or even an old stewer, I don’t care. She’ll weigh less than as a barky little dachshund or a sheddy cat and she won’t scare away my birds.

She could be speckled, she could be barred, why, her feathers could be as flamboyant as a peacock. There are hundreds of beautiful breeds to choose from. So, no matter what, she’ll be easy to look at. Chicken feathers are smooth to touch. I know she’ll hop right into my lap up at the snap of my fingers. Her eyes will be bright, always open unless she falls asleep. If I ever get fleas, she’ll take care ‘em.

I’d probably call her “Henny” except that was the name of a very dear old lady who just shucked off her mortal coils. Perhaps Beatrice, something Shakespearean, would be more elegant. I would take her for walks down the street, let her scratch for bugs and worms. Let her drive all the dogs crazy.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m crazy. You could be right. Wouldn’t be the first time you thought that.

I can tell you’re also having doubts. You’re thinking, what about when.. you know.. the chicken has to poop?

You people have brilliant minds. Now, follow me here. I once had those very same thoughts. I thought, eeuw, do I want a chicken to poop on my valuable Kelim rugs? Do I want to even hear that horrible, splattering sound?

So I laughed when Sam Blackford over at Sam’s Downtown Feed on San Carlos told me some of his customers have indoor chickens.

“But Sam, how..?”
“Chicken diapers.”

I stopped laughing. I googled up ‘chicken diapers’.

Folks, they are for real. And they’re like just darling little baby bibs! They go around the chicken’s neck, fasten over the back with a little Velcro tab and hang discreetly under the tail feathers. You hardly know they’re there!

These diapers comes in many different colors and patterns. Pink polka dots, blue ones, a very nice greens dot pattern I wouldn’t mind having in an apron. The diaper-y part is lined with vinyl and the you-know-what is really good for the garden!

I’m sure I could do this. There’s a YouTube (www.youtube.com/watch?v=mm_-glNJlns)showing how install this diaper and gently ease the chicken’s wings through the openings. In the video, the rooster—his name is Ben—also wore a little cape over his wings because he likes to peck out his feathers. Some guys! Sadly, Campbell does not allow roosters. Handsome but too noisy.

Although hens talk, too. I like the sound. Cluck cluck cluck. Like someone in the kitchen making cookies. Although I probably don’t want those kind of cookies, now that I think of it.

You may not run right out to get YOUR chickens today. And I might not, either. On the other hand, I just might.

All righty then, at least I’ve opened a new door in your petalorium.

Let’s go even further: imagine your family as chickens. Think how easy it would be to fix dinner! You’d just pick up fifty pounds of scratch at Sam’s Downtown Feed. Shake a little into a bowl on the floor and let ‘em at it.

Rinse out the diapers now and then and wow, easy living.